...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

i can't even think of a title for this one...

I took my dad to get his first tattoo today. 

It was nothing fancy, nor does it serve as a way to preserve a special life memory. To be honest, Dad really didn't want a tattoo at all.

But, well, we've all heard it said. Sometimes you don't always get what you wanted. And my Dad? He did not want cancer.

On Monday, I will take Dad back to the hospital, where someone will blast a devastating amount of radiation into the spot on his back that was marked. Ten rounds of radiation that will kick off tomorrow with the first of several rounds of chemotherapy.
My Dad is incredibly sick.

Five days before Christmas, what we thought was a severe cold put him in the hospital. Five days after Christmas, doctors told us it was cancer. Five days after that, we saw CT scans and PET scans filled with dark ominous shadows, and if we've learned one thing from any medical procedural program or even horror movie, dark ominous shadows never are good.

Lung cancer. Stage IV. That's the biggest enemy come to fight.

But it didn't come alone. It brought friends. Vile, ugly friends that have taken up residency on his spleen, adrenal gland, lymph nodes near his lung, and on a rib.

We're attacking this monster. 


Strike that. DAD'S attacking it.

For now.

I'm not sure for how long, though. I've shared before my Dad's unfortunate bit of medical luck. Though we are just learning of this newest issue, the reality is, it's probably been festering away inside of him for a year or two, breaking him down, staking its claim. It wants him.

I don't want it to get him...but I see him and I see someone who brought a pistol to a knife fight, and that pistol is, sadly, minus ammunition. This may be too much. I don't even like typing the following words - I think it IS too much - but that is the reality of things right now. It probably IS too much.

I have spent the entirety of 2013 so far bawling like a baby. I dread the idea that I'm already in mourning, but I am, in a way. I fight off tears all day at work, and go to bed each night exhausted with emotion. Waking in the middle of the night brings a fresh batch of tears to the surface, and I wake a few hours later with lids nearly caked shut. My eyes haven't been this swollen from crying since my college boyfriend broke up with me 20 years ago. I called my dad when that happened and he consoled me through my waterworks. Today? Today we cry together.

I've spent a lot of time asking a heavenly father why, and telling my earthly father I don't know.


I really don't know.

I just know I'm incredibly, painfully sad.

16 Comments:

Blogger Craig said...

"just incredibly, painfully sad. . ."

I get that; I know what you mean.

{{{hugs}}}

Hang in there, my friend. . .

Thursday, January 10, 2013 9:33:00 PM  
Blogger Sailor said...

I am so sorry- lost my mom to cancer, and i know how difficult it is for you. Thank god you can cry together, actually- cuz that's very special.

{{{hugs}}}

prayers, love & warm thoughts & good energy &&&, all I can, for you

Thursday, January 10, 2013 10:04:00 PM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

I'm so sorry for you and your family. Hugs and love to you all.

Friday, January 11, 2013 10:42:00 AM  
Blogger cat said...

My heart breaks with you. I'm sorry. Many hugs and thoughts to you all.

Friday, January 11, 2013 10:51:00 AM  
Blogger lime said...

i won't pretend to have words....just hugs and prayers.

Friday, January 11, 2013 7:40:00 PM  
Blogger Bethany said...

My heart aches for you... I will be thinking of you & yours. I lost my Dad to heart disease after 4 months of waiting...hoping... it is a time to wade through, I know. Hugs...

Sunday, January 13, 2013 9:23:00 AM  
Blogger Xavier said...

I am so sorry for you and your family. We lost my father to the beast decades ago when treatments were closer to leeches and blood-letting but I know advanced treatments bring little comfort particularly when it's found so late.

You're in my prayers.

Sunday, January 13, 2013 4:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Pam said...

I'm so, so sorry. Cancer is such a hellish thing.

Sunday, January 13, 2013 11:47:00 PM  
Blogger WILLIAM said...

That just sucks.

Monday, January 14, 2013 11:20:00 AM  
OpenID alittlebarefoot said...

I am so sorry this is happening. Lots of good energy and prayers heading your way.

Monday, January 14, 2013 5:48:00 PM  
Blogger the weirdgirl said...

Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry! My thoughts and prayers are with you. I have no doubt that you and all your family will attack this beast. But remember, when the fight gets you down, that we're here for you. Hugs and love!

Monday, January 14, 2013 6:01:00 PM  
Blogger Logical Libby said...

I am so sorry. You and your Dad are in my prayers.

Monday, January 14, 2013 7:35:00 PM  
Blogger anymommy said...

Oh god. I'm crying - and pausing - with you. You are already in mourning - for what your dad has to go through, for the lost time of happiness and health. xoxo, sending so much love.

Tuesday, February 05, 2013 12:13:00 AM  
Blogger Kate Coveny Hood said...

A month later... I haven't checked my reader in forever and THIS is the first post I saw.

I'm so sorry. This is a constant fear for me - my mother has had several recurrences of cancer.

I really wish I could make this go away. For both of us. For ALL of us.

Tuesday, February 05, 2013 6:33:00 AM  
Blogger Bee said...

Monday, February 11, 2013 2:27:00 PM  
Blogger Homemaker Man said...

Love and thoughts and hope.

Thursday, February 14, 2013 11:41:00 PM  

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