...for a different kind of girl

silent surburban girl releasing her voice, not yet knowing what all she wants to say about her life and the things that make it spin. do you have to be 18 to be here? you'll know when i know.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

...and in the end

My dad passed away last week.

I typed that sentence 10 minutes ago, but have sat here since, watching the cursor blink and wondering what to say about something I still can't believe.

One week later, despite his cancer and his pain and his valiant effort to fight as long as he could, I still can't believe my dad is gone, and I'm sitting here once again, trying to not allow my face to melt into something akin to a dried apple doll, all scrunched up and ugly from the crying I do.

Two days after his death, several members of my family gathered at dad's home and discussed a memorial service with my church pastor. My pastor had spent time with dad in the last few weeks of his life, but in what I imagine is the first question that must be asked during these types of gatherings, he asked each of us in attendance to describe dad in one word. 

Courageous.

Selfless.

Strong.

Determined.

Humble.

A lot of words you'd expect to hear were mentioned, and I don't think I'm being too prejudice when I say they are all true of dad. When the time came for me to answer, though, I asked if it wold be OK if I used two words. Those words were 'get it.'

My dad just wanted me to get it. Whether that meant math, figuring out who to back in park, or simply being happy, his greatest wish for me was to get it. To understand anything I was determined to work for was completely achievable. I think everything he did for me would have been a victory in his eyes if I got it. That may have involved tears, 3 a.m. telephone calls, or even constructing guides out of scraps of plywood that he'd dutifully place in my high school parking lot every Saturday so I could practice my parking skills, but everything he did showed his willingness to do whatever he could for me to just get it.

And when I did get it, when I finally (sort of!) understood algebra, made peace with a decision, passed the driving portion of my license test (after three attempts!)...whatever it was, dad's greatest reward in that was to tell me "Good job!"

I've spent the last three months on a seemingly constant care rotation with other members of my family. I hope dad thought I did a good job holding things together while there for him. Since his passing, I've been a bit lost. I pace circles in my kitchen - a place I've so rarely been since January - because I don't know which direction to turn first. I stay up far too late because my body's clock is off thanks to the 3 a.m. risings dad and I would surrender to when the pain he was constantly in officially kicked off his day.

I don't know what to do now. I'm suddenly lost following the end of a truly horrible routine. I imagine it will take awhile, but I'll get it figured out one of these days. 

I have to. 

My dad would expect that much. In fact, he wouldn't want anything else.

23 Comments:

Blogger Bijoux said...

I'm so sorry. I hope you are surrounded by friends and family during this time. Praying for you.

Thursday, March 21, 2013 6:00:00 AM  
Blogger Sailor said...

So sorry, such a hard time. For what it's worth, sending hugs & prayers, and all the warm energy I have-

Thursday, March 21, 2013 6:43:00 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

Sending you big hugs.

Thursday, March 21, 2013 7:11:00 AM  
Blogger Bethany said...

"Deep peace to you. Deep peace of the quiet earth to you." -Gaelic quote
Much love to you at this time.

Thursday, March 21, 2013 7:16:00 AM  
Blogger Meg said...

I am so, so so sorry for your loss. I am sending you hugs and healing thoughts and prayers and good karma and pretty much everything I can think of.

Thursday, March 21, 2013 8:05:00 AM  
Blogger Anna See said...

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dad. Yes, you'll "get it" when it come to figuring out this grieving thing, too. Love, Anna

Thursday, March 21, 2013 9:13:00 AM  
Anonymous Mandy G said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. Much love to you.

Thursday, March 21, 2013 9:43:00 AM  
Blogger lisa wojeski said...


I am so sorry about the passing of your Dad. Sounds like he was a wonderful father.

Thursday, March 21, 2013 10:12:00 AM  
Blogger Melissa said...

I'm so sorry, sweetie.

Thursday, March 21, 2013 12:34:00 PM  
Blogger Brite Mist said...

How difficult this all is...i know because even tho my dad passed away16 ears ago, i still get taken back by the emotions that come...God bless you and remember him well!

Thursday, March 21, 2013 3:48:00 PM  
Blogger The Savage said...

Your cry your eyes out then think of the good times and then think of the funniest moments you had with him. You be strong because he expected it but you also be strong because you now expect it of yourself.
I speak from experience. I lost my dad a little over 16 years ago.
It'll be tough at first but you'll get through it. I won't say over it but through it...
Hugs and a shoulder to cry on.

Thursday, March 21, 2013 5:30:00 PM  
Blogger lime said...

oh fadkog i am so sorry for your loss. i can't yet imagine the pain of losing a parent and i am sorry that you are intimately acquainted with it. i pray your happiest memories and the love of those around you will be a comfort to you in the days and weeks ahead. be gentle with yourself. hugs to you.

Thursday, March 21, 2013 8:11:00 PM  
Blogger Craig said...

Oh, I am so sorry.

It's been a year-and-a-half since my dad died, and I still have days when I think, "I should give my dad a call," just because it's been a while, and I miss him, and I wonder what he'd think about this or that or the other thing. And I do find that he is still present, in the ways he formed me into who I am today, and even if I can't call him up and ask, I have a pretty good idea what he'd think, anyway.

But I still miss him; I expect, one way or another, I always will.

{{{hugs}}}

Saturday, March 23, 2013 2:02:00 PM  
Blogger Lisa @ Trapped In North Jersey said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Virtual hugs to you.

Saturday, March 23, 2013 10:16:00 PM  
Blogger Pat said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Once you lose a parent, it's like your eyes are opened to a different world. I felt like I really didn't understand or sympathized enough when a friend lost their parent. Now I wanted to go go back to them and say, "You know, I'm REALLY sorry. I GET IT."

You'll never stop missing your Dad, but I promise you, it DOES get easier as the years go by. It takes awhile, but there will come a time that you can talk about him without crying.

Monday, March 25, 2013 9:44:00 AM  
Anonymous Pam said...

I'm so sorry about your Dad.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013 10:49:00 PM  
Blogger the weirdgirl said...

I'm so sorry about your loss. I wish I could hug you. You dad sounds like he was a wonderful guy. I just wish that generation would stop smoking. My husband's grandfather just passed and they found a baseball sized tumor in his lungs. If he wasn't already failing I don't think he would have lasted much longer. My mother-in-law and his sisters smoked just as much as he did. It's like we've been prepping ourselves for the worst for years.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013 12:19:00 PM  
Anonymous Bejewell said...

Right now I'm sending big hugs to you with my mind. Can you feel them? It'll be like a warm breeze that kind of floats around you for just a second. Stop and be still, and just breathe for a minute. If you feel it, that's me.

Or maybe it's him.

XOXOOOOO

Wednesday, April 03, 2013 4:42:00 PM  
Blogger 1blueshi1 said...

Oh, Faddest of Kogs, this is the saddest news. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your dad sounds like a kind and wonderful man. Sending you big virtual hugs & much hope that your days will get better soon.

Saturday, April 06, 2013 12:08:00 PM  
Blogger Bijoux said...

Just thinking about you and wondering how you are.

Friday, May 24, 2013 1:55:00 PM  
Blogger Tajalude said...

So sorry to hear about your dad. I hope you are well.

Wednesday, October 02, 2013 4:42:00 PM  
Blogger Trueself said...

Been away from the blogosphere for a while so I just now read this post. I am so very sorry for your loss. Hope you aren't feeling quite as lost as you were at first.
{{{HUGS}}}

Friday, October 11, 2013 1:44:00 PM  
Blogger Fanar Mohamed said...

My prayers are with you !
- Fanar

noorisfavorites.blogspot.com

Sunday, June 29, 2014 8:12:00 AM  

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